Travel Blog '09 -- Part 6 -- The Amazon Day 3

**This is an ongoing series recapping my last vacation. The movie rights to this blog have already been sold and Warner Bros. is in talks with Zac Efron to play the dreamy consonants, Miley Cyrus the innocent vowels, and Raven-Symoné the sassy punctuation marks.**

Our last full day at the Napo Wildlife Center began with the discovery of two small holes chewed through my pants which had been hanging on the wall not bothering anybody. The holes didn't lead to a pocket of forgotten snacks or anything like that. Just two random holes letting me know that if I thought I'd get through an entire vacation day without some kind of problem, I was sorely mistaken.

I can't remember if we had to wake up at 5:30am that day or we got to sleep in until 6. Either way, we had dragon fruit as part of our breakfast. MmmBop! That's a tasty fruit. I should mention that I found the food during our entire stay at the resort to be absolutely fabulous and I'm a historically picky eater. I still remember that breakthrough day back in high school when I finally tasted that "chicken" stuff everyone was talking about. It didn't taste like anything, by the way.

I loved everything they served us at the NWC, especially the gigantic avocado with tuna plopped inside. It's too bad Dolphin Trainer™ missed out on lots of the food due to his tummy issues. He either had to skip meals or eat a specially created "this will make you feel better" meal (and we all know how delicious those are). The bartender, who looked like a South American Simon Cowell, often served Dolphin Trainer™ a special drink to settle his stomach and would then insult him for having "no drinking talent whatsoever" and a sickness that was "completely lacking in originality".

The great thing about mornings in the Amazon is the lovely sound of distant howler monkeys. I think horror film sound crews must travel all the way to the Amazon just to record howler monkeys for all their monster audio needs.

As we listened to the Amazon's Evil Dead soundtrack, we took a canoe ride around the back side of the lagoon. It looked like we were traveling through Dagobah and I kept waiting for a sunken X-wing fighter to bubble to the surface. After a short hike, we made it to the NWC's canopy tower where a winding metal staircase leads 125 feet up to a platform that sits on a Kapok tree and offers tremendous views of Yasuni National Park.

Miguel set up his telescope and soon he and Silvario were spotting birds (which Dolphin Trainer™ hates). In short time, we were joined by two more guides and their guest, a portly fellow who I honestly didn't think would make it up the stairs. I never give people enough credit and, no, I didn't think Susan Boyle would be able to sing a lick, either.

I should mention that on this day we were supposed to add four more tourists to our group, but they canceled and so we had Miguel and Silvario all to ourselves for our entire trip. I'd also like to mention that Portly Fellow™ had quite an odor about him. It was quite the scene: seven guys on top of a tree in the Amazon rainforest trying to ignore the pervasive aroma of portly sweat while birdwatching amidst the calls of demonic monkeys.

I am pleased to report that I found the first toucan of the day, especially since I love Fruit Loops! I was less successful locating a silly rabbit or a lucky leprechaun. My observational skills, however, weren't even in the same universe as the guides. They were able to spot birds, monkeys, zygotes, neutrinos, Waldo, and the elusive Higgs boson with hardly any effort. They even found a three-toed sloth which was very far away, barely moving at all, and almost indistinguishable from its surroundings. I say we commission them to find Osama bin Laden, Amelia Earhart, and my old Wang Chung mixtape (everybody did not have fun the night I misplaced that).

At one point, Miguel took out a little tape recorder and began playing specific bird calls in order to draw them in. And it worked! I don't remember what kind of bird it was, but it came closer and closer to the tree stand in search of its hidden pal. That was pretty cool. Apparently, Miguel had taped these bird calls over his own mixtape from his youth because later we were all surprised when he accidentally left the tape running and Menudo showed up.

Not to kick a dead horse like I did in my last entry, but, yes, Dolphin Trainer™ had to leave the canopy tower early to release his own wang chung into an uncovered pit toilet. He really should have taken photos of all the horrible places he had to poop. That'd make for a nice album on Picasa.

Back at the lodge, we ate lunch with Portly Fellow™ and his guide. The subject of malaria came up. Dolphin Trainer™ took the advice of his doctor and was taking anti-malaria medication whereas I took the advice of laziness (who wants to take the time to make a doctor's appointment?) and took none. Actually, I took the advice of my travel agent who said he never takes any when he visits Napo. Miguel and the other guide said that malaria is unheard of in the area because no one has it. Therefore, mosquitoes can't carry what no one has. I felt pretty good about my decision to risk it until Portly Fellow™ shared his story about contracting malaria in Africa and being in the hospital for 3 months and not fully recovering until three years later. Oh. So that's what I was risking? I might just visit the doctor before my next trip.

That afternoon we hiked for two hours in the jungle and saw Miguel purposefully disturb a Congo or "Bullet" ant nest and then warn us to stay away since the bite from one is strong enough to kill 100 zombie howler monkeys. Silvario painstakingly showed us how the Añangu take the leaves of a certain plant, manipulate them in some way, and then do something with them. Yeah, sorry, I wasn't really paying attention at the time, but I think it had something to do with either medicine or time travel. One of the two.

We hiked through a swamp to reunite with Some Other Guy™ (remember him?) and begin our canoe ride back to the resort. Before the sun went down, we actually got to see evil howler monkeys (click on that hyperlink to see one of my favorite videos on the internet--gotta love that woman!) and pray for their lost souls.

As the sun went down, Miguel's spotlight came out and we saw bats, fireflies, and caiman (spanish for alligator). We saw different size caiman, but none really large. I guess you can't get super large alligators in the Amazon because kids can't flush them down the toilet--they have to go into the trashcan with the toilet paper.

That night Dolphin Trainer™, who apparently thought he was one of the German tourists, settled up his enormous bar tab and got one sympathy "yes" vote from Paula. He also bought some t-shirts from their "gift shop" that said, "I visited the Napo Wildlife Center and all I got was the runs". We packed for an early morning departure and I spent our final night in the Amazon dreaming of howler monkeys eating the brains of Dolphin Trainer™ and then running to whatever outhouse they use immediately after.