News Jokes for 9-6-10

So, uh, what's going on in the news?

A church in Florida is planning a Quran burning on Sept. 11th to warn against the threat of Islam. Says one church member, "Thankfully, books are small. Usually when we warn against threats we have to burn big ol' crosses."

Barack Obama today blamed President Bush for our current economic climate. That's going back a bit, huh? I hope we can hold on until Bill Clinton's policies finally kick in.

In another attempt to apologize for interrupting Taylor Swift at an awards show last year, Kanye West took to Twitter on Saturday where, in under two hours, he posted 71 tweets explaining that *UNFOLLOW.

The "Bed Intruder Song" reached #89 on Billboard's Hot 100 chart marking the first time a song from a youtube viral video has made the list. Record executives have responded by scheduling meetings with hundreds of adorable cats, laughing babies, and guys getting hit in the nuts.

Dan Goodwin who goes by the nickname "Skyscraperman" was arrested after climbing a 58 story tower in San Francisco today. It's Goodwin's biggest PR boost since leaving behind his former "Sewerpipeman" persona.

Goodwin says he climbs tall towers to warn of their dangers. Makes sense, that's the same reason I go to strip clubs.

I don't know what I'm going to do with this blog.

I've moved my blog over to Wordpress:

http://brandonmuller.wordpress.com

But I'm considering using this blog for other purposes.

Creepy, eh?

Proposed "Ground Zero" Middle Eastern Café Draws Protest

NEW YORK, NY -- Plans for a Middle Eastern café near Ground Zero have provoked outrage from critics who claim the location would be offensive to the memory of those who died in the 9/11 attacks.

The proposed restaurant, according to Chef Feisal Abdul Rauf, would sit two and a half blocks away from the former site of the World Trade Center and would include a lounge with Wi-Fi internet access open to any patron regardless of their culinary preference.

But a groundswell of anger has risen against the project.

"I can't think of anything more inappropriate than serving Middle Eastern food right on the spot where thousands of Americans were murdered by people who eat that very cuisine," said former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. "All pita-seeking people should refurgitate this idea."

"Being able to order Tabouleh on Ground Zero will be a huge victory for Islam and its goal of global domination," wrote Pamela Geller on her website Ayn Rolls Over. The popular conservative blogger has led the charge against the restaurant asserting that Muslims build eateries whenever they conquer a country.

"The mission of this Islamocafé is to add insult to injury by spitting in the face of America and probably in the food, too," opined Geller. "The whole idea smells worse than a Falafel."

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich voiced his opposition to the restaurant claiming that the proposed name, "Ali Baba's Place", is a clear reference to the legendary Arabic character who had an association with forty criminals.

"The name says 'Open Sesame' to all terrorist activities," argued Gingrich. "They must think we're really stupid if they thought we wouldn't figure that out."

Added Gingrich, "It's a slippery slope from hummus to Hamas."

The local planning commission has already given the go-ahead for the project. Among the strongest supporters of the café are Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York City who says freedom of culinary choice is one of the bedrock principles this country was founded upon.

"American soldiers have died for our right to eat our food wherever we please," said Bloomberg. "I would have no problem eating sushi at Pearl Harbor, a burrito at The Alamo, or even a bratwurst at the Holocaust museum."

Polls show, however, that most Americans disapprove of the café.

Last week, Abraham Foxman, Director of the All Deli League, a national consortium of Jewish delis, surprised many by coming out against the restaurant saying that it is a matter of common courtesy.

"It's about being considerate of the feelings of others," stated Foxman. "If my name was Muhammad Ali, for instance, I would never visit Ground Zero out of respect for the families of the victims of 9/11 who might be offended by my name. Likewise, if I was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, I would be causing unnecessary pain if I went anywhere near Shanksville, Pennsylvania or the Pentagon. We need to be sensitive to people who equate anything Middle Eastern with terrorism."

Some think the entire controversy is ridiculous.

"Anyone who has studied the facts knows that Middle Eastern foodies didn't bring down the towers," said Dylan Avery, director of the film Loose With The Facts: My 9/11 Truth. "Now, if someone wanted to open a George W. Bush/CIA/Zionist restaurant near Ground Zero, that would be a gross insult and slap in the face."


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Haiti Breathes Sigh of Relief as Conan's Ordeal Finally Ends

By Brandon Muller

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti -- Millions of Haitians celebrated today as news spread of Conan O'Brien's announcement that he will bring his late night talk show to the TBS cable network.

"We join the world in celebrating the end of this crisis," announced Haitian president Rene Preval as he stood in front of Haiti's collapsed national palace. "Now we can concentrate on rebuilding our trust in America's late night programming."

Much like the United States, life in Haiti has not been the same since the beginning of the controversy that shook the very foundations of late night entertainment and led to O'Brien's departure from NBC earlier this year. Shattered television viewing habits and devastating opinions of Jay Leno are just some of the wreckage that this Caribbean country has dealt with in the aftermath of the late night debacle.

According to Jean Yves Jason, mayor of Port-au-Prince, Haitians had lost hope in eternal moral justice as long as uncertainty about the multimillionaire's future in comedy lingered.

"There was a glimmer of hope when Conan announced his live comedy tour," explained Jason. "Full redemption, however, could never come unless that late night vacuum was filled. We were even considering making another pact with the devil just so we could see that masturbating bear again."

Although most Haitians were not able to attend the numerous rallies and protests held in support of Conan, many contributed to the outpouring of concern for his plight by not watching TV at all since January. In a show of solidarity, some residents took to wearing their "I'm with Coco" t-shirts as their only piece of clothing, often for weeks at a time.

"My people have shown that we can survive any late night disaster just like we did back in 1992," proclaimed musician Wyclef Jean, a native of Haiti, as he walked among the thousands of Haitians who gathered together on the streets before O'Brien's groundbreaking cable deal was even made public.

Then a jubilant Jean shouted, "Team Coco-oh-oh-oh! Coco-oh-oh-oh! [unintelligible rasping]. This calls for a free concert! Who wants to pay me for it?"

Even though today's celebration marks an end to O'Brien's network woes, many Haitians warn that viewers around the world must never lose sight of what's truly important: television ratings.

"TV shows are fragile, precious things," said Preval as he scooped murky water out of a bucket to momentarily relieve a thirsty child. "Just look at George Lopez. His show was moved back one hour to midnight in order to make room for O'Brien. It could have just as easily been canceled."

Since O'Brien's new show will not debut until November, most Haitians plan to pass the time by looking for food and shelter.

Obama Disses Quickie Vegas Weddings, Provokes Outrage

By Brandon Muller

LAS VEGAS, NV -- Residents of this renowned tourist mecca are upset over President Barack Obama's recent comment that he hopes his daughters never have a "quickie wedding in Las Vegas."

The remark came Sunday night during a state dinner when a reporter overheard Obama talking to his wife Michelle about the type of wedding he would like their daughters, Sasha and Malia, to have one day. Obama said, "Hopefully, they'll each have a big ceremony in Hawaii and not some quickie wedding in Las Vegas."

Reaction from Nevada politicians, who already feel victimized by two previously perceived Obama slights against Las Vegas, was immediate.

"Does Obama think before he speaks?" asked Gov. Jim Gibbons. "Now no one will ever get married in Las Vegas ever again. We are ruined."

"How dare he insult the hard-working men and women of our fine Sin City!" said Rep. Dina Titus. "Our image depends upon negative words never being spoken about us. This is an outrage!"

For a city known as the "Marriage Capital of the World", Obama's smear could not come at a worse time with Valentine's Day, one of the busiest wedding days of the year, less than a week away.

"The fallout has already begun," said Scarlett Richards, owner of the Little White Wedding Chapel. "I've already had two couples cancel. I didn't ask, but they sounded like the type who'd vote for Obama. So, you know, put two and two together."

Richards says it's not just wedding chapel owners who will take a hit. Cake decorators, limo drivers, Elvis impersonators, and annulment lawyers are just some of the jobs expected to be negatively impacted by the President's statement.

"Obama is destroying our livelihood with his offensive remarks!" said Rep. Shelley Berkley. "Personally, I'd rather use the drive thru at any of the classy chapels here in Las Vegas than stand around in some Hawaiian paradise with the sun glaring in my eyes."

Some Nevada politicians have reacted more strongly than others.

"I will kill him with my bare hands!" screamed Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman after a reporter asked him what he thought of the President's latest comment. Then, after a soothing martini, Goodman asked, "So, uh, what did he say this time?"

After hearing what the President said, a red-faced Goodman took a deep breath and lifted his martini glass in a toasting gesture. His head promptly exploded.

A memorial service will be held Thursday. To honor his memory, the city plans to never welcome the Obamas if they choose to renew their vows in Las Vegas.

Celebrities have also weighed in on the controversy.

"Why does Barack Obama hate Las Vegas?" asked Britney Spears. "I was married there for one weekend. Didn't harm me any."

"Obama has insulted Las Vegas a 3rd time!!" tweeted gossip columnist Robin Leach. "BTW, former playmate Holly Madison is dining with troubled starlett Lindsay Lohan at FIX right now."

Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, a lifelong resident of Nevada sent a note to the President asking him if he knew that Reid was up for re-election this year.

"I don't think the President realizes how influential his opinions are," said Reid. "Americans will do anything he says. If only he used that incredible power for good!"

Man Very Proud To Have Deleted MySpace Profile

By Brandon Muller

LOS ANGELES, CA -- One year after deleting his MySpace account, Joe Hansell, 32, still feels pride whenever he gets the chance to tell someone about his monumental social networking decision.

"There's no better feeling in the world then letting someone know that you no longer have a MySpace profile," gushes Hansell. "It'll feel even better now that I can say it's been a year."

Hansell's life without MySpace began on February 5th, 2009, after almost one year of constantly mentioning to his friends that he was thinking about deleting his account.

"I used to say that since I hardly logged in anymore, I might as well just delete the damn thing," recalls Hansell. "But the pleasure I got from that wasn't enough. I had to go all the way."

While it only took Hansell a few minutes to delete his profile, spreading the news about his decision has kept him busy. Immediately after shutting down his MySpace, Hansell announced his accomplishment on Facebook and Twitter where his friends and followers congratulated him on the important milestone.

"Finally decided to delete my MySpace profile. Feels like a great burden has been lifted. Goodbye Tom!" stated the groundbreaking status update/tweet. Ever since that day, whenever MySpace is mentioned in a real life conversation, Hansell has been able to immediately share his remarkable achievement.

"It never gets old," says Hansell. "Every now and then I come across some self-righteous prick who claims to have never even had a MySpace, but for the most part people are rightly impressed."

Besides the obvious coolness factor, Hansell argues that there are practical reasons for eliminating a MySpace profile such as never again missing a message from friends who have numerous other ways to contact him or no longer being forced by himself to log in and clear out spam friend requests.

He even offers an economic reason to delete a MySpace account.

"I spent years building up my profile with tons of music, photos, graphics, and videos," says Hansell. "If I don't use it, then I'm just wasting server space that News Corp has to pay for."

Adds Hansell, "Why would I want to add unnecessary cost to one of the largest, most profitable companies in the world?"

Hansell is currently joining every new social network he finds, only to delete his account the very next day.

"Next time, I'll be able to say I was the very first."

A Newspaper Obituary Writer Breaks Up With His Girlfriend.

By Brandon Muller

**Whenever I read obituaries in the newspaper, I'm always annoyed at the almost constant omission of the one thing I'd like to know more than anything else: how the person died. I wonder if newspaper obituary writers apply that logic to anything else in life?**

Ned: Cassie, we need to talk.

Cassie: What's going on?

Ned: I'm afraid we have to break up.

Cassie: Oh my god. Why?

Ned: Our relationship was born on January 12, 2004.

Cassie: What?

Ned: It passed away on... [glances at cell phone] ...January 27th, 2010. It was six years old.

Cassie: Ned, I don't understand. Why are you breaking up with me?

Ned: Our relationship is survived by the memories of our first date at Johnny O's Pizza Parlor, our first kiss at Crystal Lake, the time your parents caught us fooling around in your basement...

Cassie: But why, though? You haven't told me why!

Ned: ...the day we moved in together, the big argument we had about Counter-Strike and the great makeup sex that followed, our camping trip to the mountains, our Valentine's Day scavenger hunt tradition...

Cassie: I don't care about our stupid memories! Please, just tell me why it's over!

Another couple sits nearby.

Woman: Their relationship is the same age as ours. I would be very interested in knowing exactly what it was that made it fail.

Man: Me too. I'm sure he's getting to it soon.

Ned: ...the midnight walks in Freedom Park, the all-night conversations until sunrise, the just-because greeting cards, and many other fond recollections.

Cassie: I can't believe this! Why won't you tell me?

Ned: Services will be held today at... [looks at cell phone] ...6pm at your best friend's house located at 15663 Elkwood Drive (near Bristol Ave).

Cassie: Are you really going to break up with me without mentioning the reason?

Ned: In lieu of flowers, the memories request to be donated to an Alzheimer's Care Facility.

Cassie: Unbelievable! You're such a jerk!

Cassie leaves in tears.

Ned: Wait. Did I leave something out? [thinks for a moment] No, I'm pretty sure I covered the most important details.

Ned walks away.

Woman: Wow. How could he possibly omit that?

Man: I don't know. Maybe he thought this wasn't the right place or time.

Woman: That's dumb.

They sit quietly for a minute.

Woman: I've never gotten a "just-because" card.

Man: Oh, Lord.

My New Years Eve Celebration!

It's finally here!!!!!



Watching TV!!!!! Go History Channel!!!!!!



Reading about all the other parties going on right now!!!!!!!



Too much drinking!!!!!!!!!



Fireworks!!!!!!!!!!



12:01am January 1st, 2010!!!!!!!!!!