Haiti Breathes Sigh of Relief as Conan's Ordeal Finally Ends

By Brandon Muller

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti -- Millions of Haitians celebrated today as news spread of Conan O'Brien's announcement that he will bring his late night talk show to the TBS cable network.

"We join the world in celebrating the end of this crisis," announced Haitian president Rene Preval as he stood in front of Haiti's collapsed national palace. "Now we can concentrate on rebuilding our trust in America's late night programming."

Much like the United States, life in Haiti has not been the same since the beginning of the controversy that shook the very foundations of late night entertainment and led to O'Brien's departure from NBC earlier this year. Shattered television viewing habits and devastating opinions of Jay Leno are just some of the wreckage that this Caribbean country has dealt with in the aftermath of the late night debacle.

According to Jean Yves Jason, mayor of Port-au-Prince, Haitians had lost hope in eternal moral justice as long as uncertainty about the multimillionaire's future in comedy lingered.

"There was a glimmer of hope when Conan announced his live comedy tour," explained Jason. "Full redemption, however, could never come unless that late night vacuum was filled. We were even considering making another pact with the devil just so we could see that masturbating bear again."

Although most Haitians were not able to attend the numerous rallies and protests held in support of Conan, many contributed to the outpouring of concern for his plight by not watching TV at all since January. In a show of solidarity, some residents took to wearing their "I'm with Coco" t-shirts as their only piece of clothing, often for weeks at a time.

"My people have shown that we can survive any late night disaster just like we did back in 1992," proclaimed musician Wyclef Jean, a native of Haiti, as he walked among the thousands of Haitians who gathered together on the streets before O'Brien's groundbreaking cable deal was even made public.

Then a jubilant Jean shouted, "Team Coco-oh-oh-oh! Coco-oh-oh-oh! [unintelligible rasping]. This calls for a free concert! Who wants to pay me for it?"

Even though today's celebration marks an end to O'Brien's network woes, many Haitians warn that viewers around the world must never lose sight of what's truly important: television ratings.

"TV shows are fragile, precious things," said Preval as he scooped murky water out of a bucket to momentarily relieve a thirsty child. "Just look at George Lopez. His show was moved back one hour to midnight in order to make room for O'Brien. It could have just as easily been canceled."

Since O'Brien's new show will not debut until November, most Haitians plan to pass the time by looking for food and shelter.