A Newspaper Obituary Writer Breaks Up With His Girlfriend.

By Brandon Muller

**Whenever I read obituaries in the newspaper, I'm always annoyed at the almost constant omission of the one thing I'd like to know more than anything else: how the person died. I wonder if newspaper obituary writers apply that logic to anything else in life?**

Ned: Cassie, we need to talk.

Cassie: What's going on?

Ned: I'm afraid we have to break up.

Cassie: Oh my god. Why?

Ned: Our relationship was born on January 12, 2004.

Cassie: What?

Ned: It passed away on... [glances at cell phone] ...January 27th, 2010. It was six years old.

Cassie: Ned, I don't understand. Why are you breaking up with me?

Ned: Our relationship is survived by the memories of our first date at Johnny O's Pizza Parlor, our first kiss at Crystal Lake, the time your parents caught us fooling around in your basement...

Cassie: But why, though? You haven't told me why!

Ned: ...the day we moved in together, the big argument we had about Counter-Strike and the great makeup sex that followed, our camping trip to the mountains, our Valentine's Day scavenger hunt tradition...

Cassie: I don't care about our stupid memories! Please, just tell me why it's over!

Another couple sits nearby.

Woman: Their relationship is the same age as ours. I would be very interested in knowing exactly what it was that made it fail.

Man: Me too. I'm sure he's getting to it soon.

Ned: ...the midnight walks in Freedom Park, the all-night conversations until sunrise, the just-because greeting cards, and many other fond recollections.

Cassie: I can't believe this! Why won't you tell me?

Ned: Services will be held today at... [looks at cell phone] ...6pm at your best friend's house located at 15663 Elkwood Drive (near Bristol Ave).

Cassie: Are you really going to break up with me without mentioning the reason?

Ned: In lieu of flowers, the memories request to be donated to an Alzheimer's Care Facility.

Cassie: Unbelievable! You're such a jerk!

Cassie leaves in tears.

Ned: Wait. Did I leave something out? [thinks for a moment] No, I'm pretty sure I covered the most important details.

Ned walks away.

Woman: Wow. How could he possibly omit that?

Man: I don't know. Maybe he thought this wasn't the right place or time.

Woman: That's dumb.

They sit quietly for a minute.

Woman: I've never gotten a "just-because" card.

Man: Oh, Lord.