The best anti-George W. Bush article ever

But before I get to the article, take this fun quiz!

Is George W. Bush the personification of evil?
Does he deserve to die one thousand one hundred and twenty-two deaths?
Does the mere thought of him make you want to vomit your inner organs into a toilet?
Did you think the world was going to end if he was re-elected in 2004?
Do you think he wakes up every morning with the thought, "How can I ruin America today?"

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, then congratulations! You are a demonizer. You are unable to engage in rational discourse concerning political issues and policies without resorting to character assassination and ad hominem attacks! Way to not rise above your elementary school years! Go get yourself a cookie!

At this point, I should mention that I am not a Republican, I am not a conservative, and I am certainly no fan of George W. Bush. In 2000, I voted for Ralph Nader hoping he'd get enough votes to qualify the Green Party for federal matching funds. In 2004, I plugged my nose and voted for John Kerry.

I disagree with Bush on many issues: the war in Iraq and foreign policy in general, abortion, his love for baseball, homosexual rights, and stem cell research (although I'm pleased he's the first President to provide federal funding for it), among others. But I don't hate the guy.

What I do I hate is demonizing on both sides of the political spectrum. When I was a conservative, I couldn't stand listening to my parents bash Clinton with their palpable hate. Now that I'm on the other side, I can safely say that the hateful bashing isn't anymore attractive over here.

Bush deserves to be criticized. But it can be done in a level-headed way.

Below is a critical article that comes from the Right (although Doug Bandow is a Libertarian) that hits Bush as hard as I've ever seen and the invectives used are all based on well known facts. Bandow is not demonizing when he writes,

"George W. Bush is not a bad person. But he's a bad decision-maker: intellectually uncurious and seriously unread."

That's a much more substantive insult than any of the "Bush sucks donkey cock" drivel you'll hear from most Bush haters.

http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=9713

Columbus Day

I did it again.

I walked out to the front of my property, opened up my mailbox, and wondered why it was empty. I mean, it was Monday--that's a big mail day--where the hell was it? It wasn't until much later I realized it was a holiday.

I've done this many times before. You name the holiday and I've opened my mailbox on that day. If it's a big holiday, I'll usually remember the instant I open my empty mailbox. It's like there's a giant note inside that reads, "It's CHRISTMAS! You pathetic loser."

Let me tell you, once you've made that mistake it's one hell of a long walk back to your house. Remember that scene in "Poltergeist" when the hallway kept growing longer and longer? That's my walk of shame. I feel like the whole neighborhood is looking out their windows laughing it up at my foolishness.

"There he goes again! Just like clockwork! Or...calendarwork, to be more precise." I often imagine my neighbors being slaves to precision.

Sometimes, I try to save face by acting like I went out to my mailbox for some other reason, like a maintenance check. I'll kick the post, wiggle the flag up and down, and say out loud, "OK, we are looking good. We are all systems go for mail delivery tommorrow."

I think I have a problem. Is there a support group for people like me? Does anyone else share my checking-the-mail-on-the-wrong-day affliction? Does anyone else hate Tuesday's "coupons you'd never use and other worthless ads" junk mail? And why does the missing children's flyer always insist on falling out from that pile?

What's the next holiday? Veterans Day? I'm going to have to mark notes down on my calendar.

Nov. 11th: "Don't check mail today."
Nov. 12th: "Blog about how you forgot to not check the mail."
Nov. 13th: "Release missing children."

Baseball Schmaseball

So, I hear that the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim-Orange County-Southern California-United States of America-North America-Northern Hemisphere-Planet Earth-Inner Planets-Sol Solar System-Milky Way Galaxy-Universe.com or whatever they are calling themselves these days won Game 2 tonight of their big series against blah blah blah who cares?

Am I weird for not liking baseball? To be honest, I'm not too fond of apple pie, either. And don't even ask about my mom. I'm just kidding mom, in case you ever join MySpace with a sparsely filled out profile, one lewd pic, and 6,472 friends who have each commented: "Thanx for the add, milf. Killer bod!"

Anyway, I used to like baseball when I was a kid. You know, back when I used to eat paste and was trying to figure out whether I should grow up to be an astronaut or a Transformer. It wasn't long after I dismissed Santa Clause when I realized that baseball was really boring to watch.

Notice I said, "to watch." There's nothing wrong with playing it. But watching it? I've been more entertained watching a janitor vacuum the Senate floor after a quick vote on procedural amendments left CSPAN with 20 minutes to kill before "Booknotes" came on.

This is watching baseball:

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Pitch. Ball One. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Pitcher Adjusts Cap. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Pitch. Ball Two. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Manager Stands In Dugout. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Fake Throw To First. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Catcher Comes Out To Say Hi. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Pitch. Strike One. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Batter Hits Cleats With Bat. Wait. Wait. Wait.Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Kid In Stands Eats Popcorn. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. John 3:16 Sign. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait Is A Song By White Lion. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Pitch. Strike Two. Wait. Wait. Wait. Waiting For Godot Is As Boring As Baseball. Wait. Wait. Wait. Second Baseman Scratches Balls. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Brandon Empties Revolver Into His Skull. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

So, yeah, I'm not a fan. Earlier this year I was talking to a co-worker who was mad because his baseball team had just lost and it dropped them two games back out of the playoff race. I guess I was in a good mood because I actually continued this conversation about baseball.

"That's too bad. How many games are left?"

"Oh, I don't know, 80 or 81."

That's another problem with baseball. They play millions of games every week, many of which have historically pre-empted important TV shows that I wanted to watch. Like Transformers, for instance. How am I suppose to decide which Autobot I'm going to grow up to be if the Dodgers insist on playing every damn afternoon?

I enjoy watching sports that are exciting. Like NBA basketball or college basketball or high school basketball or MTV Rock N Jock basketball (Method Man for the 50 pointer!). I even prefer WNBA basketball to baseball! But that's mostly due to Lauren Jackson.

To Cell Or Not To Cell

As of tonight, for the first time in my life, I own a cell phone. Granted, it is not activated, but it is mine. My good friend John gave it to me since he just got a new one with all the bells and whistles (which are handy to have in case you ever get raped or you're hiking in bear country).

So, now I am faced with a dilemma. Should I join the robotic, sheep-like masses and give in to cell phoneity? Or should I remain steadfast in my never-formerly-stated mission of living life with only a "land line" (as the cellularphiles like to call it). I have never even owned a pager. Am I allowed to skip that step?

I have never considered a cell phone a necessity. After all, I'm not that important. If someone needs to get ahold of me, they can do what normal people have done since the dawn of time: write me a letter. Or contact me via messenger pigeon. What could be easier? (It is, however, quite awkward to pick up women by asking them if they want to exchange pigeons).

I also like being different, although it's weird to realize that in this day and age *not* having a cell phone makes you different. I enjoy the looks of shock followed by pity whenever I say, "Nope--that's my home phone number. I don't have a cell. What? Yes, of course I have indoor plumbing."

I will admit that as the years have piled on, I have encountered more and more situations where a cell phone would have been the handiest of dandies. Like my road trip in '03 when I broke down on a desolate, rarely traveled road...right next to a cell phone tower. Or a few months ago when I was stuck in traffic while a radio station was giving away free tickets to see Tony Danza at the Orleans to the first caller who could name every TV show Alyssa Milano has ever been on. Damn my luck.

If I do get a cellular plan, I refuse to invent unnecessary phone calls just because I have the capability. I will never say any of these sentences on a cell phone: "Guess where I'm calling from?" or "I'm just letting you know I'm heading into the store" or "And then the guy next to me flipped over a pair of Aces." The last one is because I don't play poker, though. Speaking of, I hear that all the time at work. Every poker player is always on the cell recounting how they just lost. Who's the poor sap who has to listen to that crap? Who's sitting by their phone anticipating the run-down of how their friend got screwed by the "River?"

Honestly, the only drawback to cell phone activation would be the cost. It costs more than a home phone. And that's pretty much what it comes down to for me. If I can get over that, then I'll join the rest of you. Until then, I just have a cool Star Trek-looking flashlight.