A couple of days ago, I heard this DJ on 107.5 FM--that's "Xtreme Radio" for those of you who don't enjoy listening to the same twelve corporate rock songs every hour--talking about how it was April 18th which meant there were only two days to go before it was 4/20.
He kept going on and on saying, "I cannot wait! Oh man! Two more days until the greatest day of the year! It's going to be awesome!"
Now, seriously, what's this guy going to do to celebrate 4/20? Oh, wait, I know...he's going to do the SAME THING he does the other 364 days of the year. Look, if you open up presents every single day, Christmas ain't that big of a deal, know what I'm saying?
Anyway. Happy 4/20. Or, as the pot smokers call it....just another Thursday.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
Does soap have an afterlife?
Today my liquid Dial soap dispenser stopped dispensing due to emptiness. I reached under my kitchen sink and grabbed an unopened replacement bottle of generic "compare to Dial" liquid soap so as to refill my dispenser.
Then something on the container caught my eye.
An expiration date.
An expiration date of 11/04.
That's right, November of 2004.
I never knew that soap could spoil. If it wasn't for the expiration date, how could I tell? It didn't smell. Well, actually it did smell--it smelled like soap. What does bad soap smell like?
It didn't look like it was expired. It wasn't brown. It was the same orange-like color it was back in 2004. Shouldn't bad soap turn green or black?
Alas, I had to face the fact that my soap was past its prime. It was over the hill. Presumably, it had become too decrepit to fight the evil forces of dirt. I'm sure it could have kicked dirt's ass back in 2004 and maybe even gotten in a few good licks in 2005, but what chance would my soap have now in 2006? Dirt would probably dominate it the same way it currently dominates Yasser Arafat who also expired in 11/04.
By the way, I wasn't surprised to find something in my possession that had an expired date. I've got plenty of things in my medicine cabinet dating from decades of yore. It's rare, but sometimes I'll clean things out. Two months ago I threw away some hair gel that I bought when I got my first flat top back in 1987. So rash, I know. I miss it already.
Anyway, back to the soap.
As I poured the dead soap into my dispenser, I wondered what sicknesses awaited me in my foolishness. What viral epidemic would I spread into the world by washing my hands with zombie soap? What hole in the space/time continuum was I tearing open with my utter disregard for expiration dates?
Who knows?
One thing is for sure, I am going to shake lots of hands tomorrow.
Then something on the container caught my eye.
An expiration date.
An expiration date of 11/04.
That's right, November of 2004.
I never knew that soap could spoil. If it wasn't for the expiration date, how could I tell? It didn't smell. Well, actually it did smell--it smelled like soap. What does bad soap smell like?
It didn't look like it was expired. It wasn't brown. It was the same orange-like color it was back in 2004. Shouldn't bad soap turn green or black?
Alas, I had to face the fact that my soap was past its prime. It was over the hill. Presumably, it had become too decrepit to fight the evil forces of dirt. I'm sure it could have kicked dirt's ass back in 2004 and maybe even gotten in a few good licks in 2005, but what chance would my soap have now in 2006? Dirt would probably dominate it the same way it currently dominates Yasser Arafat who also expired in 11/04.
By the way, I wasn't surprised to find something in my possession that had an expired date. I've got plenty of things in my medicine cabinet dating from decades of yore. It's rare, but sometimes I'll clean things out. Two months ago I threw away some hair gel that I bought when I got my first flat top back in 1987. So rash, I know. I miss it already.
Anyway, back to the soap.
As I poured the dead soap into my dispenser, I wondered what sicknesses awaited me in my foolishness. What viral epidemic would I spread into the world by washing my hands with zombie soap? What hole in the space/time continuum was I tearing open with my utter disregard for expiration dates?
Who knows?
One thing is for sure, I am going to shake lots of hands tomorrow.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Super Bowl Bandwagoners
I haven't cared about the Super Bowl since, oh, I don't know...1967? And that was before I even existed. OK, that's not entirely true. I did exist for a brief moment in July of 1876. And I also went through a run of being a football fan during my high school years. I even went to an NFL game...in Los Angeles no less! How's that for old timey?
Yesterday, I did have the game on in the background but I only gave it my full attention when the commercials came on. If I had a TiVo, I would have set it to record the commercials and skip the game. Can it do that? Has modern TiVo science advanced enough?
I would also like to say that the more I hear John Madden, the more I think that Frank Caliendo is actually John Madden.
Anyway, on to today's topic: Super Bowl Bandwagoners.
If you have been a Steelers fan for less than two weeks, then you and me are about to have a serious disagreement.
Leave the celebration to the actual fans, you losers. I don't want to hear about how the Steelers kicked ass yesterday unless you cared about how the Steelers did during weeks one, two, three point one four, twelve, twenty-six and however many weeks they play these days.
It's ok for non-fans to pick a team to cheer for during the game. It is NOT ok for a non-fan to act like "their" team's victory is something to crow about. You had your Super Day and now it's time for you to take off that Steelers jersey and back away slowly. Yes, I understand that Tim from accounting now owes you a doughnut because he unwisely picked the Seahawks to be his new favorite end of January/beginning of February team, but you need to move on. You've got lots of sports to ignore before suddenly caring about college basketball sometime in March.
As for you Seahawks fans...you can take heart knowing that people won't even remember your team made it this far. You're getting off easy, for there are far worse fates than that. Just ask a Bills fan.
Finally, if anyone was able to TiVo the "In Living Color" concurrent halftime show this year, then let me know because that would be a TiVo worth owning.
Yesterday, I did have the game on in the background but I only gave it my full attention when the commercials came on. If I had a TiVo, I would have set it to record the commercials and skip the game. Can it do that? Has modern TiVo science advanced enough?
I would also like to say that the more I hear John Madden, the more I think that Frank Caliendo is actually John Madden.
Anyway, on to today's topic: Super Bowl Bandwagoners.
If you have been a Steelers fan for less than two weeks, then you and me are about to have a serious disagreement.
Leave the celebration to the actual fans, you losers. I don't want to hear about how the Steelers kicked ass yesterday unless you cared about how the Steelers did during weeks one, two, three point one four, twelve, twenty-six and however many weeks they play these days.
It's ok for non-fans to pick a team to cheer for during the game. It is NOT ok for a non-fan to act like "their" team's victory is something to crow about. You had your Super Day and now it's time for you to take off that Steelers jersey and back away slowly. Yes, I understand that Tim from accounting now owes you a doughnut because he unwisely picked the Seahawks to be his new favorite end of January/beginning of February team, but you need to move on. You've got lots of sports to ignore before suddenly caring about college basketball sometime in March.
As for you Seahawks fans...you can take heart knowing that people won't even remember your team made it this far. You're getting off easy, for there are far worse fates than that. Just ask a Bills fan.
Finally, if anyone was able to TiVo the "In Living Color" concurrent halftime show this year, then let me know because that would be a TiVo worth owning.
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