Travel Blog '09 -- Part 2 -- Quito

**This is an ongoing series recapping my last vacation. I have nothing else to blog about except for, perhaps, my love of avocado. But that's more of a book, really.**

After a rendezvous with Dolphin Trainer™ in Miami, we flew to Quito, Ecuador. I spent most of the flight puzzling over what zany customs declaration to add to the form of the complete stranger sleeping next to me. I settled on $600,000 in unmarked bills.

We had a full day in Quito before our Amazon excursion so we booked a tour of the equator for 2pm and explored the city in the meantime. We visited the Basilica del Voto Nacional and climbed its towers. The Basilica is famous for its gargoyles of Ecuadorian fauna such as iguanas, tortoises, unicorns, etc.

As we were phooning all over the church, we noticed a very attractive woman walking around all by herself exploring the towers. She was wearing her backpack around her front, thus turning her backpack into a frontpack. She walked like she was pregnant. I thought to myself, "How paranoid do you have to be to wear your backpack like that?" I suppose it's smart for a single woman, but we were two manly men who wouldn't be caught dead looking like we were about to give birth to outdoor equipment. At least, those were my thoughts at the time. So it was ironic (if I'm using that tricky word correctly) that when we left the church, the following incident occurred:

I placed my backpack on the ground and invited the locals to steal it.

"¿La mía?" they asked.

"Sí" I replied as they quickly ran away with my belongings.

OK, it didn't quite go down like that, but it's a pretty good summary. A more detailed explanation breaks down like this: As we walked the streets, Dolphin Trainer™ noticed a bunch of gunk on his pants. Come to find out, it was all over his backpack and my pants and backpack as well. We stopped to clean off whatever it was and soon a local woman also stopped to unfold and offer a towelette. She seemed concerned and beckoned us to follow her, presumably to a water fountain.

She led us to the back of a restaurant where two sinks just outside some restrooms presented a nice place to clean our stuff. She eagerly helped us take off our backpacks and began cleaning our pants. Meanwhile, an older man appeared and slowly dragged our backpacks closer to the doorway. Dolphin Trainer™ noticed and quickly grabbed his backpack. I grabbed mine, but intelligently placed it on the floor again, thinking I only needed to keep an eye on this opportunistic fellow.

After sternly shaking my finger at the man, both he and the woman began pointing and pushing us towards the women's restroom. That's when Dolphin Trainer™ saw an arm reach around and whisk my backpack away. DT™ yelled something out and that's when I noticed it was gone. I wasn't sure if the thief went through the back of the restaurant (all the workers looked shady) or out the front door. I ran out the front door, but saw nothing.

And let me tell you, it felt great! Oh, yeah. Seriously, what a nice feeling it was! Sometimes, as I go through life and get caught up in the mundane happenings of each day, I often forget that I'm a complete and utter idiot. So it's nice to be reminded every now and then. Thank you, Quito!

I joked after it happened that it's probably a scam with it's own name and everything. And, indeed, it is! It's called the Mustard Scam™ or Bird Poop Scam™ and as I search the around the internet it appears that only *everyone* seems to know about it. Usually, it's a pickpocket scam as they clean your pants, but if you're lucky enough to target Brandon Muller, you might get away with much more.

Thankfully, my passport, wallet, cell phone, and keys were not in my backpack. What did I lose? My digital camera, video camera, cash, jacket, manhood, and lots of other little odds and ends. I don't know what would be worse, losing my camera/video equipment on our first full day or losing it on the last day? Probably the last, I imagine. So I lucked out. Thanks, Quito!

Odds are good that from now on you'll see me proudly wearing my backpack like a baby carrier. Maybe I'll even rent a baby to make it less weird looking. I will certainly be more than vigilant for the Mustard Scam™ next time I travel. Unless, of course, they use some condiment other than mustard. Then I'll probably think nothing of it:

"Why, yes, complete stranger! You *can* help clean this salsa and guacamole off my pants. If this was mustard, however, I'd be quite suspicious of you. Say, can you hold my wallet for a second while I taste this? Mmm...what kind of avocado is this made from?"