Most of these photos were taken by Dolphin Trainer™ except for the ones that I took. Can you guess which are which?
Welcome to the Galapagos! My invisible friend Arthur and his girlfriend Leslie are in this photo. I won't tell you where, though.
This is the Galaxy and a marine iguana. One is the yacht we lived on for a week while visiting the islands and the other is searching in vain for "one ring to rule them all".
A traditional toast with fancy glasses of whole milk kicks off a week of frivolity. Leave the skim in the fridge please, it's time to party!
Don't drink milk and drive, kids.
Dolphin Trainer™ demonstrates why UNESCO has placed the Galapagos Islands on their Endangered List due to the destructive nature of tourism.
The chicas (from L to R: Rhonda, Darcy, and Kem) patiently await their turn to feed the baby sea lion.
A hawk patiently waits its turn to stand next to Bob for a photo.
Suzanne and Bill perform a scene from their award-winning play "This Sums Up Our Marriage" which has captivated audiences in Winnipeg, Canada for decades.
Milena and Matus are from Slovakia where red-footed boobies are held in such high esteem they inspire fashion choices.
Our legendary guide Carlos. When he's not guiding or moonlighting as a John Stamos impersonator, he delivers lectures on how to communicate with Carol Anne.
Carlos walks barefoot on lava rock to show off his manliness.
And I show off mine.
Settle down, teetotalers. The legal age for drinking milk on the islands is only one day old.
The Galapagos is all about friendship. Just observe how friendly the animals are with each other!
See how well these blue-footed boobies get along? They are good pals!
These rays are really good friends. They stay very close together. That's friendship!
A sea turtle consoles a good friend in time of need. That's what friends are for.
We can learn a lot about friendship from Galapagos animals.
Galapagos hawks have the uncanny ability to peer into the diary of your soul and read all about that one day your crush noticed the zit you were trying to hide on your forehead and told everyone about it and you ran home from school crying like a little baby.
This genetically inferior frigatebird paid big bucks for pouch augmentation in a desperate attempt to attract a mate.
The Middle East has nothing on the enduring feud between hawk and sea lion that has resulted in the loss of countless lives, institutionalized anti-sealiontism, and many fruitless visits by Jimmy Carter.
The nerd of the Galapagos. He won't be passing his genes on any time soon.
Red footed boobies are shy. Probably because they have Smurf beaks.
Sally Lightfoot crabs are into Japanese anime.
Dolphin Trainer™ gets in the way of a great sunset.
*Sigh* And so do Arthur and Leslie.
Hey, Dolphin Trainer™, why not train these so-called "intelligent" animals to recognize the difference between open water and a tuna net?
These fish are liberal.
And these are conservative.
Leftist sea turtle goes against the conservative tide.
In the Galapagos, this is known as a community college of fish.
Dolphin Trainer™ is satisfied. He has successfully poisoned all of the sea lions.
"Not tonight, Dolphin Trainer™. I have a headache."
To raise awareness about the endangered Galapagos giant tortoise, the park kills two of them every month to give tourists fresh shells to play in which inspires us to spread the word about conservation.
This trip was Bill's reward for winning a Charles Darwin impression contest.
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After Dolphin Trainer™ saw Suzanne posing with her Geist magazine, he made me take multiple pictures of him posing with his magazines. This, however, is a family blog.
Tired of looking ridiculous in that Snuggie? Now you can read your Geist magazine in style while wearing The Shell™! Available from fine poachers everywhere.
For some reason, Carlos began humming The Ride of the Valkyries as we approached the mangrove swamp.
Carlos dangles his feet in shark infested waters, unwittingly mocking every boy and girl who was ever born without a foot.
The famous Pinnacle Rock of Bartolome island was designed by the same Italian genius who gave us the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Donate today to the "American Tourists for a Better Galapagos Fund" and help replace these old worn out stairs with a modern escalator.
Google image search "Bartolome island" and you'll find many pictures like this. What you won't see, however, is the gun pointed at every photographer. The park is very demanding about certain things.
Carlos parts a community college of fish.
One night a sea lion hopped on board to avoid a group of hungry sharks. He regaled us with tales of adventure before we pushed him back in to make for an even better story for us to tell our grandchildren.
Dolphin Trainer™ and Carlos shop on different pages of the L.L. Bean catalog.
Carlos talks to us about spreadsheet analysis. It is the most fascinating thing we have ever heard.
This is a family blog so there'll be no jokes about what's scheduled at 0800 hours.
This is Pepe, our super duper strict guide for the second part of our trip. He's giving Arthur and Leslie a lecture about respecting the wildlife.
Kem and Darcy respect the wildlife. They are good friends just like the tortoises!
Along with Pepe, we gained three new passengers at the halfway point. From left to right: Laura, Jessica, and Erica wonder what kind of a high school clique they've entered as they are segregated into the "new kid" table in the corner.
Kem violates the usual Galapagos visitor protocol by enjoying the moment with her eyes, rather than clicking away with her camera. Tsk, tsk! Shameful.
Kem got put in time out.
Can you spot me in this picture?
By keeping its overhead costs low, the post office on Floreana Island has never needed to raise the cost of a first class stamp.
The duckbill on that kiddie ride varies in size and shape from island to island.
Suzanne screams in horror as she suddenly remembers she left the iron on.
Phooning, much like pimpin', ain't exactly easy.
There are lots of underwater treasures to be found in the Galapagos. Like this dog chew toy.
Or this lovely beaded curtain.
"Thank you for flying Manta Ray Airlines. The captain apologizes for the turbulence. He just gets really jumpy whenever he hears the word Crikey."
To avoid predators, starfish blend effortlessly into the blue and, uh, orange background.
Sharks sometimes lay low to attack their prey. However, their lack of orange camouflage gives them away.
Superstitious rays hide in the sand to keep their souls from being stolen by underwater cameras. Seriously, look at the eyes! This dude is totally freaking out.
Camouflage Military Helmet is the most popular aftermarket body kit amongst sea turtles these days.
Sea lions try to act all bad ass, but in reality they just want to balance a rubber ball on their nose.
Who are you trying to intimidate, Mr. Sea Lion? Go toot some horns, marine clown.
"Thank you for flying sea turtle airlines. We have reached our cruising speed and will be arriving at our destination within the next century."
They say the Galapagos islands are evolution's laboratory. Uh, back to the drawing board on this one?
The Lord replied, "My precious child, whenever you saw tracks like this, that's when a marine iguana carried you."
Land iguanas like to yawn whenever blog posts of photo captions run too long.
No, this is not one of those insurance lizards. This one shills for the telemarketing industry.
Boobies go through an awful adolescent stage where God Himself turns away from them because they are so damned ugly.
Is that a turtle wearing a fuzzy parka? Nope, it's a baby booby wondering why Tim Burton hangs around so much with his sketch pad.
Thankfully puberty turns boobies into beautiful swans who look like they left their beaks in the freezer for too long.
Unfortunately for marine iguanas, they never grow out of the "horribly disfigured in a fire" stage.
In the Galapagos, if you cover your eyes, it is not considered cheating. In other news, Bill Clinton continues to lobby for an Ambassadorship to the Galapagos.
This reminds me of the frigatebird kite I had as a kid.
Nazca boobies never fail to be amazed by heavier-than-air flight.
The female Magnificent Frigatebird was named by a very lonely ornithologist.
Dolphin Trainer™ never fails to be amazed by heavier-than-air flight.
The chicas named this little sea lion "Cuddles". Isn't Cuddles cute? Gosh, it's so sad to think that Cuddles is most likely dead now.
BONUS PHOTOS OF QUITO!!
Our hotel wouldn't let us keep our bags inside our room so we took turns keeping watch over them outside.
The BasÃlica del Voto Nacional has gargoyles that were designed by certain lonely ornithologists.
Arthur and Leslie are big fans of The Opie & Anthony Show.
If you have never seen the attic of a church, then you are either lying or you are blind because you're looking at one right here, Sherlock.
Harold Faltermeyer's Axel F sounds awesome on organ.
Additional note: That is the last known photo of my backpack before it got mustard stained. :(
Handy tip I learned from experience: make sure to take your deep breath before putting your mouth on the blow gun. Those darts are pretty tasty, though.
Shriveled heads tell us much more about the people who gawk at them than it does about those who make them. And I'm not just saying that because I enjoy making them. Staring at them is pretty damn cool, too.
As you can see, the glare from the sun is stronger in the Southern Hemisphere than it is in the Northern Hemisphere. Just ask the Fonzie of South America.
"Bye bye!" says Cuddles. "I'm off to feed the sharks."
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